Russian Vancouver Forum [ VAN:FORUM ] Русский форум Ванкувера

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

****************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747
makes when it hits a 727?"

**************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"

***************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,
your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

*************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard
right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway
101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

***************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

******************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in
Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

*****************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

******************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back
past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing llike yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that
we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have
you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."

******************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew
of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a
wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are
you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult
for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything
up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and
don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and
keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"